Post-Weekend Away

Song of the blog: Breath(2am)_ Anna Nalick

I would just reply to all of your comments Nicole, but it would be too long.

I want you, and any other wonderful person who may have read my blogs in the last 5 days, to know that I am ok, or on the fast track at least.

I don't know if Fiona Apple is 'still around' in the sense that she is making more music, but I still love her, and I love singing her songs. They are fun. Kind of like Jewel's belting voice is fun to sing, Fiona's full voice is fun to sing.

I'm not wearing baggy clothes anymore. I did for about 3 days. I was terrified to take off my coat. But then I was at the airport and I had an interesting experience. All day on Friday I had the urge to call my bishop's wife Sister Davis. I didn't have her number, and the question I wanted to ask her seemed too weird. So I didn't. Then I was at the airport and I was drinking a coffee-less vanilla bean creme from Starbucks-highly suggest by the way because they are fabulous, I drink them by the venti-and I got the thought the thought again to call up Sister Davis. This time it was unmistakably the spirit. Not just my random thought, Heavenly Father wanted me to call her and ask her this question. Why her, I'm not sure, why that question, I have no idea, but He knows best. So I got her number from my RA Mikayla, and I sat in an airport bathroom stall, and called her. It was weird at first, I didn't understand why I was calling her, but then I realized that I NEEDED to know. I realized why her, I realized why that question. So I asked. She and the bishop are always getting teary-eyed when they talk about each other. Their anniversary is bigger than their birthdays. Well, I needed to know if that was real. Bishop Davis treats her like a princess, he does everything for her, and she treats him like a prince. They are the fairy tale mascots. They are the essence of fairy tale. I have never met anyone more in love, except maybe Sister and Brother Wheat back home in Parsons. It's like this constant honeymoon. They have grown kids, they have been together for double digit years.  I don't get it. I didn't say all that, but I asked her. She giggled a little and then got a little teary as she told me that yes it's true. And then without missing a beat she said, "I don't know what you're going through right now, but you hold out for that Heaven. You don't take less than someone who treats you like the princess that you are." And then I started crying. Yeah. I know. But I did. And when we got off the phone she made me promise to tell her when I got to my mom's safe and then I just cried for about 20 minutes. In an airport bathroom stall. Classy. But then this song came on. The song of the blog. I have had it on repeat ever since. I just fit, and this peace came over me, and I stopped crying (Honestly, why in the world was I crying in the first place?) and I cleaned my face, and I looked in the mirror, and then I took off my coat. That was kind of a big deal. Taking off my coat. It shouldn't have been, honestly none of this should have happened, but it did. So taking off my coat was a big deal. I left the bathroom with my head held high, instead of the weird skiddish woman I had been for the previous 2 days. I was still terrified, and I felt like I was jumping off a cliff that I needed to jump off of. If that makes sense. I walked around a bit, and then I bought this cool bracelet that had a peace sign on it. It's colorful, and to me it said, "Confidence." That's all I wanted. So I bought it. I have only taken it off to shower. I also saw these necklace things. You get these circles with a word on them and you get the chain and it's a necklace. I saw believe, so I got it, and I also got the one that said forever. So my chain has two little circles on it. Believe, and Forever. I need to believe in forever. I need to believe that it's possible for me to have a forever. I have only taken off this necklace to shower. When I feel scared, I touch it, and I breathe, and I feel better. I was able to get on the plane and sleep and spend an awesome weekend with my family. I even did my hair on Saturday night to hang out with my sister. I had been strictly pony tails all Thrursday and Friday and most of Saturday. Normally I hate pony tails. So it felt good to have good hair again. Today I am wearing a pony tail, but that would be because I woke up late, and I didn't have time for anything else. I even got in the car when this nice guy from my ward offered me a ride. A few days ago I would have just kept walking and been late to class. I didn't say much in the car, but this is what we called progress.

Basically I had a good weekend. In a nutshell, I am feeling better. Pretty much, I am on my way to being my old self. This is a good thing.

As for Richard, I have ceased to care. He has become two different guys to me. Pre-Sunday Richard, and Post-Sunday Richard. Why Sunday? Well, Sunday was the day he was going to take advantage of me. He really liked that my roommates were not home. So Post-Sunday Richard is the jerk that I will never speak to again, and no longer exists in my life. Pre-Sunday Richard is the guy that I liked, the guy that had many good qualities that I am looking for in a guy, and so Pre-Sunday Richard is more of a list than a person. I wish I could say the list is short, it would make it a lot easier to only look at it as a list, but the list is long, and Pre-Sunday Richard was pretty much my perfect guy. All a front of course. That Richard does not really exist. As much I wish I could just say that I don't care, I have to admit that I am disappointed. It kinda feels like I found out Santa isn't real all over again. Not cool Post-Sunday Richard, not cool. =p But life goes on, and the guy that he really is isn't anywhere near the Pre-Sunday guy that I liked. Sadly. Ah the rambles of life. haha

So my mom and I came up with a game plan to help me get through class with him. I will just look really hot on Wednesdays and completely ignore his existence. This will be the easiest and most satisfying route. Easy because, well, I AM hot. And satisfying because, well, he can't have any of my hotness. Woot Woot.

I love being happy again. It feels good. =]