Song of the blog: The Child Is Gone_ Fiona Apple
So I was more angry than you could possibly imagine. I wanted to light Richard on fire. I was also mad at myself for ever liking him and for not seeing what his real intentions were. What he has done to me is inexcusable. But my anger is waning. I'm starting to slip into something that I hate even more than being so mad. I'm starting to hate looking in the mirror.
I'm not ugly. I have a nice body. I'm actually really pretty. I'm starting to hate that. I'm starting to wonder if that's just what every guy who has ever looked at me sees. Nice boobs and a nice butt. I hate that thought. It makes me cringe every time a guy smiles at me. I want to ask him why he's smiling, what in the world do I look like to him? I feel like I'm just this body walking around and nothing else on me matters because no one knows or cares. I know that this isn't true, but I just hate this entire body right now. I want to walk around in the baggiest clothes I can. I want to wear loose T-shirts for the rest of my life. I want this body to go away. I hate it. I hate how constricting it is. I hate everything that comes with it. Maybe that's sacrilegious or something. I don't care right now. I want to throw away all my clothes that have any color so I don't draw attention to this body. I want to be invisible. I almost wore a skirt this morning, and then I walked outside and even though no one was looking at me I could feel stares everywhere. I ran back inside and changed into pants. I think I'm going crazy. I just don't know what else to do. I don't ever want another guy to even think about touching me. Ever. I'm tired of people looking at my chest. So tired of it. I've just finally reached my breaking point. I can't take people's eyes anymore.
Honestly, I hope this is just me being in shock, or me going temporarily insane. I don't want to be like this for rest of myself. I'm scared to look men in the eye. Even the guy sitting next to me in class or at work scares me. It's not even them really. It's the fact that I don't know what they're thinking that terrifies me. I don't know what they could be picturing, I don't know what they might be looking at. It's enough to drive me insane. I want all of these thoughts and fears to go away and leave me alone. But they won't. I thought if I wrote a blog about it then I would be distanced from it. I hoped that I could read it on the page and realize how stupid it is. I still hope this works, but I'm still terrified....
first - is fiona apple still around? because if not, you are reaching way back into the awesome music of the late nineties early 2000's. when you were like ten. and I love me some fiona apple. seriously LOVE.
ReplyDeleteHOLD UP-Heaven you were born in the nineties. I am SOOOOOO old.
second- this week I found my first honest to goodness wrinkle. which led me to realize that I am completely pro plastic sugery.
I have this section in my hair, right where the black meets the blonde that is going hardcore grey. which has led me to realize that I will dye my hair until I am 45 or so and can go grey at an appropriate age.
I have realized that I completely hide from cameras because the effects of 4 kids and an caffiene addiction has left me with a double chin and unlike some people who've got some extra weight, I can't figure out how to take a picture that I look cute in. I see it in the mirror and it's ok and then I see it on a camera and it's gross. I'm doing something with my chin and I don't know how to stop.
what is the point here you are asking yourself?
It is what it is.
You can hate it or you can love it.
Hating it is exhausting. and stressful and doesn't make me happy.
But there are things I love. So I remember them. I have pretty eyes and nice ankles.
If you need to hide things about you right now under baggy shirts, ok. but remember that you have great hair and small feet(seriously there are those of us who are sooo envious.)
and in awhile, this will pass and you'll remember how smokin you are and that not all boys are complete tools and that you and your cute clothes and your skinny jeans and your hoodiesand your heaven style make you happy.
And in the meantime you have awesome hair and skinny feet which you can where in great heels.
mark wants to add that a girl dressing cute for a date is not an invitation for a boy. that a boy worth his salt should get that.
talk to your bishop heaven.
smile.
you are loved.
by your family, by my family, by your friends and importantly by your Heavenly Father. who knows you and sees you and is always there for you.
Have fun with your mom and hope and billy!
Sunday starts a new week!