The Mystery of Days.

Song of the blog: One Headlight_ The Wallflowers

So we go through life, and we make choices. This is something I've been thinking about a lot for the past week. I made a Facebook status about it. But it didn't do my depth justice I don't think.

I guess all it is choice. How we choose everything that happens to us. We choose to sit in a certain place, we choose to talk to a certain person, we choose to keep talking to them, this choice leads to them choosing to ask for your number which leads to you choosing to say yes or no and then all the choices that go from there that lead to WHATEVER! We choose to walk through a certain building, then we choose to take this certain elevator, and press this certain button. Someone else on another floor does the same, and for a short time your choices combine and you are on the same elevator, you then have a choice to get off on different floors or hit the stop button and make out. (This never happens, that we know of, because it's not really socially acceptable. ha) Basically choices. And my thoughts on them. Yeah.

Our life is made up of so many choices. The choices of others, the choices we make, they all create this life that we live. This morning I chose to get out of bed on time. Then I chose to think about my grandpa who is in the hospital, these choices lead to me crying a little bit. I hate crying, but if you think about, I chose to cry. And then I chose to force myself to stop and get ready. I also chose to listen to music this morning. This lead to me being happy, because music makes me happy. So today I am in this weird happy yet sad mood. I keep remembering my Grandpa Frank and I keep praying that he isn't in pain. I hope that this choice is a good one and it will lead to God helping him get through this. No one is saying it, but I know that Angie is scared, I can tell when I'm on the phone with her.

I just keep thinking about the last time I saw him. He's such a skinny old man. It was this last Thanksgiving that I decided to finally call and spend it with my family. He came outside in the cold, grabbed my hand, dragged me in the house and showed me off to all of these people I didn't know as his brilliant college grandkid. He was so proud of me. The way his eyes lit up when he looked at me like I was this amazing person. He hadn't seen me since I was maybe 14, and he still loved me that much. It was touching. I'm really glad for the chance that I got to see him that day.

He has looked the same since I was little. I never remember him looking any different. This skinny old man with a permanent tan from who knows what. I think he was a redneck when he was younger. Legit too. He is one of the sweetest and most caring men I have ever met. Always happy to be with his family. He kept a book of all his kids' school days. He has report cards from when Angie was 7. You can tell a lot about a person by the things they keep safe. You can tell what is important to them. Family is important to my grandpa Frank. I have never sat down and talked with him about the depth of life, we have never really had a deep conversation, but I know that. He loves us. I'm not even his blood granddaughter, but he loves me as if he saw me born. There a lot of qualities about that man that I want to have. I hope I can love people the way he does.
I don't mean for this to sound like I'm saying goodbye. I'm not. I've just never thought about all of this very hard before. I'm trying not to cry.

I'm scared to see him. I remember him with life, healthy, just about 4 months ago. It all seems too fast. I'm scared to see him weak and sick. I think I might just start crying again, but then again I know I won't. Not in front of him. I couldn't do that to him. I have to stay strong and just cry in the bathroom later. (Wow, I just realized that I always do that. I hate crying. I avoid doing it if I can.)

He'll be ok though. He has to be. This isn't goodbye.

I remember when my Nanna died. Angie's mom. I hadn't spoken to her in a really long time, and then she was gone. I didn't even get to say goodbye. My Dad didn't get why I was so sad, he never liked her I guess, and he was still bitter over his and Angie's divorce. I was sad to lose her, but what really got to me, what made me run to the nearest hiding place to cry, was that Angie had just lost her mom. As much animosity as was still there, that was heartbreaking. I know that in our church we know that it's not the end, not even close, but Angie didn't know that. She had lost her mom. It reminded me of Jesus, when Lazarus died. He knew He could bring Lazarus back, Jesus knew His own power, but He also knew that Mary had just lost her brother. And so he first wept with her, because pain is real. It is something that the Savior does not mock. So even though I knew that Nanna would be able to hear the gospel now and maybe listen more than she did in life, and yes that matters, but we have also lost a family member. And pain is real.

And now Grandpa Frank is sick. I know that God will be with him as he goes through this. Because pain is real. God does not mock it. No matter what choices we make in life, we can never, EVER change God's love for us, His children. He will ALWAYS love us. And so I know that God is at my grandpa's side right now. He will help him, and comfort him, and be with him. And my grandpa will be ok.

I am not going to cry. Not going to. No.

So choices. Yep. Choices.

Choices can change who we are. Every day. Every single day. So choose wisely friends.

Random Quotes!!!!

Carry out a random act of kindness, with no expectation of reward, safe in the knowledge that one day someone might do the same for you.

Diana Spencer

 

Strong lives are motivated by dynamic purposes. 

Kenneth Hildebrand

 

When I meet a man I ask myself, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?' 

Rita Rudner

 

 

If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.' 

 Jeff Foxworthy