Meet Me. The Failure.

Song of the blog: Crash Into Me_ Dave Matthews Band

Hello. My name is Heaven Virtue. I am a failure at life. Nice to meet you.

Maybe I'm just all doom and gloom today, but this is what I see in my future: failing school because I can't handle the homework load, the continuing pain of the burn in my finger, walking invisible around whatever streets I may end up on, and dying alone. What a life.

I think I'm just doom and gloom today. I don't know why.

I woke up this morning feeling like death. My cough is back so I have to go back to Mr.Doctor. Maybe I have a disease and I shall die before I fail out of school. And since I am alone, the whole dieing alone thing will be happening too.

Why am I being like this today? I'm annoying myself.....

Ok, I'm going to count the happy things. There has to be some happy things.

1: I'm alive.
2: I am having a good hair day.
3: I have my family.
4: I'm good at my job.
5: I have wonderful extended family in Kansas.
6: I have wonderful friends in Kansas.
7: I have some good friends here.
8: This is where God wanted me to be, and I followed His counsel.
9: I handled that horrible call just now with class.
10: I am eating a salad.
11: Last night's Thanksgiving Dinner went fantabulously.
12: This Salad is tasty
13: Since I'm not going anywhere for thanksgiving, I have the whole apartment to myself. I am going to sing loudly and mop the floor and take a bubble bath and cook food so I get even fatter and make my hair look amazing and do my make-up and go to the mall alone, and go to the movies alone. It will be great. I never used to like being alone. But lately I really love my alone time. ME time!!

This list would work, if my brain wasn't ready with a comeback for all of those but #13.  Here they are:
1: But I'm sick with who knows what.
2:But it's a little staticy and flying up.
3: But they are hundreds of miles away.
4: But I suck at it at the same time. Simultaneously.
5: Emphasis on Kansas. I miss them. =[
6: See #5
7: But they aren't my best friends. I love them, but I'm not that close to anybody. I don't really have anyone to tell all my secrets, or to laugh with at the most random stuff. I barely ever laugh anymore.....
8: But sometimes I wonder why. Because I'm only going to fail, and there is definitely no guy here that was just waiting for me to prance onto campus.
9: But I hated every minute of it.
10: But I don't want salad. Lately I get hungry, but I don't know what I want to eat, so I settle with something else, but in my head I know that this other thing would have been so much more satisfying, but I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS!!!!
11: But I spent alllll day on Saturday baking bread, and then I spent allll day on Sunday finishing the bread and baking pies. Not much was said on the subject, but everybody raved about the other thing I won't name because it would be mean and I shouldn't be feeling so down on it. It was a very good try, as was mine. Neither was perfect. (the pie was good, but I'm done thinking about this.)
12: See #10
13: No downside. I love this. I'm looking forward to it more than I'm looking forward to the nap I'm going to take when I go home in 1 hour and 21 minutes. Because I am a failure. I need to sleep off this sense of complete failure and try to wake up with a new attitude.

Is it so bad that I want a close friend? I miss Colby, I miss being able to just give a look and we can have a whole conversation without needing to say a word. I miss busting out laughing at some random thing because it reminded us of something else that happened. I miss being able to tell her EVERYTHING without judgment, or worrying that she won't care. I miss having a sister. I also miss all my guy friends. Guys here, with the exception of the ones I hang out with, are just not guy friend material, they aren't boyfriend material either so I just don't know what they are. I just ignore them. I have yet to find my real niche. So far I am the friend you go to if you need to buy something, or if you need to use her netflix. I'm fine with that, I can help out, and I really couldn't care less if they use my netflix as long as they only use the instant play and they don't mess with my profile, which I don't even have to say, they are very polite about it. But you see, these things don't a deep friendship make. I miss my Colby. I miss my Kathy. I miss my life.

Stupid melancholyness! OK. I'm going to count happy things about my new life. I am determined to get into a better mood!

1: Sunday dinners. They are fun and always good.
2: I have more money now than I have ever had in my life.
3: I.... have... nice clothes....
4: I don't live with my parents anymore. (Love them. ;])
5: I.... kind of like snow here....sometimes....
6: The campus is beautiful.
7: I have awesome coworkers.
8: I......can't think of anything else. And once again, they all have comebacks. I'm not going to list them though. it's too exhausting. I'm exhausted enough.

I'm going to go to class now. I was going to just go home and take a nap, but I've decided not to be a complete AND utter failure.