Song of the blog: Samson_Regina Spektor
This song is precious to me. I can't explain it, but it is. It just has so much.....muchness. hehe
This blog is about Jimi. And it's for me. So readers, read not if you don't want some sadness. It's happiness too. And a bit of light. But sad. Deffinitly sad.
Today I wrote an email. A sad email. But a happy email. As the song says, he was my sweetest downfall. When I was with Jimi, I cared about Jimi. Which isn't bad as long as long you care about yourself too. But I didn't. I didn everything to make him happy. I needed his smile like a crack addict needs crack. As long as he was smiling then the world could end. I would have peeled grapes for him. But when it ended, I took a look at myself. I didn't like it. I had become so unimportant to myself. I still took care of myself, I still took care of my life. But he was more important than all of it. I didn't like that. So I changed. I changed in a big way. I thought about myself more. And I liked that.
Now I have been talking to Dean more. And the more we talk, the more I like him. The more I can tell that he really likes me. I think he really cares about me, even though he hasn't said it. I think this is all new ground to him. I love that he wants to take me a castle built just for me, and give me everything I've ever wanted. But I kept thinking about Jimi. I kept thinking, but what about how much I love him? But part of me will always love Jimi. It just comes with the territory of falling in love. So today I let myself let go. I wrote an email, and I cried, and I listened to Samson over and over. And now I feel better. I feel like life is wide open again. Like anything can happen, and I could go outside and fly to Paris if I wanted to. Or maybe I'll just go eat some waffles with nutella slathered all over them. :) I love this feeling. And my heart isn't broken. That happened whn Jimi and I broke up. This is different. This is healing I think. This is what it feels like to be whole again I think. And I like it. :) I'll never forget Jimi. But now I have this new adventure to go on. It's called college, and maybe another one might be called Dean. Who knows what may happen? Maybe I'll throw a dart at a map and just go. I can do anything.
A song to end: Us_Regina Spektor
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